When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?