Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater