No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
they really do be looking like this
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Just me?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
live long and prosper!
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
We have a winner.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date