The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
good work, everybody
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks