people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
🌱🌱🌱
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control