I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
how to market bottled water to dads
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.