Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”