The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much