I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
You Might Also Like
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works