computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.