Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
tourist season
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Great game to play with friends
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.