I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.