Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Science memes
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Yes, but it was never about money