Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Me if I was a dog
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
We decided to have money instead of children.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho