Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of