Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”