It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.