I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
my astrological sign is a french fry
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week