I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
no their not
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.