ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Tell the colonel to bring it
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!