I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”