Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
We’ve come full circle
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
work smarter, not harder
mood
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.