I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
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A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
the only bumper sticker ill allow
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no