4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Super Hand Dog Face
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”