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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Pigeon open mic night.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.