Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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good work, everybody
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
s
oc
i
a
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What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin