Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.