The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that