Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?