A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Breaking news:
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.