You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.