Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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Every time.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
you stereotypes are all alike
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
boat question
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.