mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“Huge”.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Breaking news:
my favorite genre of twitter
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?