Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
He a real one for that
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall