Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
s
oc
i
a
l
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.