What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time