Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.