dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what