a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?