My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.