Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
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when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
A choir of Spring onions
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Well, this is awkward
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
not for long
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?