I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Favourite diary entry ever
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.