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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you