[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.