Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?