There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
New menu item
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table