As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
i now pronounce you bounced.