Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*limbos away from your hug*
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
u spoke cat all this time??????
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”