*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.