My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
How animals would run if they were human
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
im 7 sauces long
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.